Friday, February 17, 2006

Oh-limp-ics

My Family Crest Having watched the Winter Olympics, I can't help but ponder the missed potential of these games. While it is commendable that such large numbers and divisions of your species can occupy the same vicinity without incinerating each other, it hardly makes for interesting television.
Lord of the Rings
I need a new ringtone.

Perhaps my issue with the idea is that on Badasery, valor is inversely proportional to degree of safety. With all of the practice mats, face guards and guard rails present in your Olympics, how can there be any chance of bodily injury at all? (Occasional mercenaries excluded.)

To better acquaint yourself with a different, possibly more courageous type of competition, you should direct yourself to the television show entitled MXC:Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. It is extremely valorous. I will be submitting Log Drop for Olympic consideration. Right you are!
That third log is always the worst.

With that in mind, I have some bullet points (with the stress on bullets) that might help improve the Olympic proceedings.
  • If the events and the climates were reversed, there would be a much greater injury to success ratio. I would assume that snowboarding down a precipice without the ubiquitous amounts of snow would be much more challenging and subsequently entertaining than its current iteration.
  • Why are there separate distinctions between the male and female events? This disparity should be removed altogether beginning with hockey.
  • There are DEFINITELY not enough large animals involved with these games. I submit that there should be a random, savage animal introduced randomly into random events, Random. Curling would be positively intoxicating if the Curl-ers would have to mop their gluttonous hockeypuck away from a charging bull.
I look forward to a time when your planet's greatest athletes are able to prove themselves by running up a mountain while large, styrofoam boulders are hurled down upon them.
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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Best Friends Forever?

Draing's Favorite Grade After listening VERY carefully outside Eemos' bedroom, I finally verified that his girlfriend is real after all. I might have a talent for this ninja stuff, too! I even found her screen name on the computer. At least, I hope that Eemos isn't screwing around on our resident assassin with someone tagged shadowQueen23.
Friendship=Broken Heart!
He should've gotten it in silver.

I think that it's legit, though. Eemos came home the other day beaming like he had just saved (or looted) a village. He apparently bought her a BFF necklace. I tried to tell him that Best Friends Forever probably isn't the sentiment that he wants to be selling (especially in Febs), but he wouldn't listen. He kept saying, "How can Best be bad?" Well, Best can apparently turn up missing, too. He managed to lose his half.
So Oinky!
I don't even like milk...

I just... I don't understand. I could park my Toyota on a wheelchair ramp, and if the cop were an officerette, she would probably bust a jaywalker instead. Yet, this Chicken McNumbskull can lose something you freaking WEAR AROUND YOUR NECK and still score.

I guess I do benefit in one way, though. I get to see how he will hide the fact that he and his gf aren't Best Friends Forever anymore, just Best Fries.
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

My Language, My Prey

My Family Crest You may be wondering where I attained my profound grasp of your somewhat perplexing, EEengaleeshhh. I studied every language on your planet; yes, every single one, and I found this English to be most like my native tongue, Badaslic. You'd be astonished at the number of cognates. Both are confounding in their complexities and dank in their reason. Should I use "their?" Or perchance, "they're?" Or what about, "Asthereagus?" (a large boar-like creature native to my country)
Unique, non?
My country's banner

I very nearly chose français. Its total disregard for the ratio between letters and sounds is very pleasing to me. Only a scion of the linguistic arts could ever hope to master its undulating syllables, much less actually articulate correctly enough for a French person to forget to feign his or her total inability to understand you. And while, I was obviously up to the challenge, there was a certain je ne sais quois about English. Therein lies something barbaric, perhaps.

So, dear reader, I chose to study, stalk, hunt, borrow $3.50 from, kill, emasculate and ultimately field dress your quaint little language. Bonne chance!
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

It's NOT Badgers

Draing's Favorite Grade I guess Badasery doesn't have sarcasm. For Valentine's Day, I made Eemos a stuffed animal. He's got a little nametag and everything.
It's Baggers!
Would the real Baggers please stand up?

Except that where a teddy bear would have like, cotton or something, for stuffing, Baggers has cactus needles. And where a plush rabbit would have nice, soft, synthetic fur, Baggers has a paper bag held together with rubberbands.

It didn't have the intended effect. I am always amazed by the extent that Eemos can annoy me. Here I am trying to break precedent and actually irritate him, and he turns around and pronounces "Baggers" with a soft G. It doesn't help that everytime Eemos sees him, he shouts out, "It's BADGERS!!!!"

JRRRRRR! I mean... GRRRR!
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Monday, February 13, 2006

...For The Ninja That Has Everything

Draing's Favorite Grade Eemos has been bugging me lately about what to get his beau (his word, not mine), for Valentine's Day. His girlfriend is a ninja.
Jagged!
AAAHHHH!! I'm sorry! I'm Sorry! She's a Kunoichi. That was my best hat!

Umm. Anyway, he's beside himself trying to decide what to get. Man... That's a terrible thought. Two Eemoses..es? Ugh.

I'm not even sure that he has a girlfriend to be honest. Aside from the occassional brush with death from an unseen assailant, as Eemos says, I've never actually even seen her. If it weren't for the little kunai notes ("do not neglect to take out the trash") stuck in the walls, the fridge, etc, I'd say she was a figment of his imagination. I guess that says something about her nin... er.. kunoichi quality.
silence
Eemos is oblivious to something? No way...

Whatever. When, I try to ask him what kind of present he wants to get, he just stands there with an idiotic, slack-jawed look on his face like he's trying to do long division in his head. Eventually, he comes around and says, "Lethal." Sorry, Big Guy. About the only lethal thing I have experience with is your laundry.
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