Friday, February 17, 2006

Oh-limp-ics

My Family Crest Having watched the Winter Olympics, I can't help but ponder the missed potential of these games. While it is commendable that such large numbers and divisions of your species can occupy the same vicinity without incinerating each other, it hardly makes for interesting television.
Lord of the Rings
I need a new ringtone.

Perhaps my issue with the idea is that on Badasery, valor is inversely proportional to degree of safety. With all of the practice mats, face guards and guard rails present in your Olympics, how can there be any chance of bodily injury at all? (Occasional mercenaries excluded.)

To better acquaint yourself with a different, possibly more courageous type of competition, you should direct yourself to the television show entitled MXC:Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. It is extremely valorous. I will be submitting Log Drop for Olympic consideration. Right you are!
That third log is always the worst.

With that in mind, I have some bullet points (with the stress on bullets) that might help improve the Olympic proceedings.
  • If the events and the climates were reversed, there would be a much greater injury to success ratio. I would assume that snowboarding down a precipice without the ubiquitous amounts of snow would be much more challenging and subsequently entertaining than its current iteration.
  • Why are there separate distinctions between the male and female events? This disparity should be removed altogether beginning with hockey.
  • There are DEFINITELY not enough large animals involved with these games. I submit that there should be a random, savage animal introduced randomly into random events, Random. Curling would be positively intoxicating if the Curl-ers would have to mop their gluttonous hockeypuck away from a charging bull.
I look forward to a time when your planet's greatest athletes are able to prove themselves by running up a mountain while large, styrofoam boulders are hurled down upon them.
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